debra benton
Success Tweet 109: The 2/3 — 1/3 Rule for Conversation Success
Sep 16th
My latest career success coach book, Success Tweets: 140 Bits of Common Sense Career Success Advice, All in 140 Characters or Less is about to go into its third printing. That really pleases me. It has become a greater success than I thought it would be. You can pick up a copy of Success Tweets at your local bookstore or at Amazon.com. Better yet, you can download it for free at www.SuccessTweets.com.
I’m in the home stretch of a series of blog posts that further explain the career advice in Success Tweets – just 32 more to go. Today’s career advice comes from Success Tweet 109…
Use the 2/3 – 1/3 rule. Listen two thirds of the time; speak one third of the time. Focus your complete attention on the other person.
Listening to others and then responding appropriately is one of my first rules for becoming an outstanding conversationalist and a career success. I always urge my career success coach clients to do three things when they are in conversation. 1) Ask lots of questions. 2) Really listen to what the other person is saying. 3) Respond appropriately. Number 3 is very important. Laugh if the person says something funny. Commiserate if the person reveals something that is sad. Make sure the other person knows you are tuned in and paying attention.
Most people like to talk about themselves. That’s why listening is so important. You can gain a reputation as a great conversationalist – even if you don’t say much. Listening is that important. That’s why the 2/3 – 1/3 rule is such great career advice.
Of course, adding your thoughts to the conversation doesn’t hurt – as long as you keep them focused on what the other person is saying. If you absolutely need to change the subject, let him or her know. Say something like, “I understand and appreciate what you’re saying. If we’re done with that topic, I need to speak with you about something else. OK?” In that way, you’re demonstrating your respect for the other person and signaling your intent to move on to a different subject.
In her great book, CEO Material, my friend Debra Benton has a lot to say about listening and conversation. Here is a small sample…
“The best way to influence others is with your ears. If you listen in a way that causes people to feel heard, you’ll hear things right the first time, maintain the self esteem of others, build better relationships, see nuances.
“Shut out other people and distractions, and stop thinking about what anyone else is thinking or your response. Take off your headphones, stop texting, turn off your cell phone, put away your Blackberry. Don’t doodle; fidget with your hands, arms or fingers’ squirm; body rock: or get up and move around (like you have ADD). Instead, lean forward, tilt your head a little, give some eye contact, and maybe throw in a brow furrow, don’t glance around or act bored, disbelieving, or disagreeing. Just listen to the person who is talking, remember what he or she says, and say some of it back to that person later.
“Don’t quit listening if you don’t like what you’re hearing. Pay attention to complete information. Try to make sense of the data, even if you don’t agree. Not every misguided opinion needs to be corrected by you. Pick your battles, as they say. You’ll create calm for both of you — and the other person will more likely listen to you also.”
That is not only great advice on listening. It’s great career advice as well.
The common sense career success coach point here is simple. Successful people are dynamic communicators. Conversation skills are one key to becoming a dynamic communicator and a career success. Follow the career advice in Tweet 109 in Success Tweets. “Use the 1/3 – 2/3 rule. Listen two thirds of the time; speak one third of the time. Focus your complete attention on the other person.” Listening is at the heart of being a good conversationalist. If you want to become known as a good conversationalist, do three things: 1) Ask lots of questions. 2) Really listen to what the other person is saying. 3) Respond appropriately. If you make sure the other person knows you are tuned in and paying attention, you’ll be able to conduct a productive conversation with just about anyone you meet, become known as a dynamic communicator and be on your way to the life and career success you want and deserve.
That’s my take on listening, conversations, career success and the career advice in Success Tweet 109. What’s yours? Please leave a comment sharing your thoughts and ideas with us. As always, thanks for reading.
Bud
Success Tweet 55
Jul 2nd
I’m enjoying writing this series of posts on the career advice in my latest book Success Tweets: 140 Bits of Common Sense Career Success Advice, All in 140 Characters or Less. I hope you are enjoying reading them. You can purchase a copy of Success Tweets at Amazon.com or your local bookstore – or you can get a free copy of the eBook at www.SuccessTweets.com.
Today’s career success coach post is on Tweet 55…
Stand or sit up straight. Don’t slouch. Your mother was right. Good posture is important. It makes you look self confident.
Several years ago when she was Secretary of State, Madeline Albright delivered the commencement address at Wellesley College. She concluded her remarks by saying, “congratulations, good luck, and remember to always sit up straight.” Great career advice if you ask me.
Good posture not only makes you appear to be self confident, it helps your self confidence. When you stand or sit up straight, other people see you as confident, ethical, straightforward, awake, alert and alive – a winner. You feel more self confident when you stand up or sit up straight.
I turned on one of the games in recent the NBA Finals a couple of weeks ago. It was late in the game, and they were showing the benches. I knew who was winning just by looking at the players and coaches. The Lakers were winning that game. They were sitting straight and had big smiles on their faces. The Celtics, on the other hand, were slumped down on their bench. The contrast was striking, and it makes a great career success point. Winners sit and stand up straight.
In the post on Success Tweet 53, I mentioned Debra Benton’s book, Executive Charisma. Debra has some things to say about good posture too…
“Good posture shows confidence, vitality, discipline and youthfulness. Slumped posture implies fright, insecurity, lack of self-acceptance or self control, lack of self discipline, a loser, sheepishness, shame and guilt. To stand tall and straight is to have a demeanor that says, ‘I expect acceptance.’”
I don’t know about you, but I prefer others to think of me as confident, vital and disciplined; not as frightened, insecure and shameful.
Debra offers the following advice on how to stand and sit tall and straight…
“Lift up, suck in and breathe. Whether you’re sitting or standing, for good posture: 1) pull yourself up by lifting your rib cage away from your pelvis; 2) roll your shoulders back and down; 3) pull your stomach in at the belly button toward your spine; 4) breathe; and 5) maintain the posture and keep breathing…Don’t just read these recommendations and think ‘It’s not that important,’ or ‘I do it fine already,’ or ‘I’ll try it later.’ Stop right now and take yourself through these movements.”
The common sense career success coach point here is simple. Successful people have good posture. They follow the career advice in Tweet 55 in Success Tweets. “Stand or sit up straight. Don’t slouch. Your mother was right. Good posture is important. It makes you look self confident.” This is important career advice. Your vibe tells people a lot about you. When you slouch, you give off a defeated, unconfident vibe. When you sit up and stand up straight, you give off a winner’s vibe — that of a confident, poised successful person. And standing up and sitting up straight will make you feel more self confident.
That’s my take on the career advice in Tweet 55 in Success Tweets. What’s yours? Do us a favor and take a few minutes to share your thoughts with us in a comment. As always, thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.
Bud
Success Tweet 53
Jun 30th
I’m enjoying writing this series of posts on the ideas in my latest career success coach book, Success Tweets: 140 Bits of Common Sense Career Success Advice, All in 140 Characters or Less. I hope you’re enjoying reading them. You can purchase a copy of Success Tweets at your local bookstore, or on Amazon.com. Or, you can get a free copy of the eBoook at www.SuccessTweets.com.
Today’s career success coach post is on Tweet 53…
Act as if you expect to be accepted and you will be. This will increase your confidence and help you make a strong personal impact.
“Acting as if” is great career advice on building your self confidence. People respond to what you do and how you behave. So if you act and look self confident, people will treat you as someone who is self confident. If you act as if you expect to be accepted – at work, by a customer or client, by a group you want to join – you will be likely to be accepted. It’s all in how you carry and present yourself.
Self confident people greet others with a firm handshake, look them in the eye, and smile. They offer their opinions confidently, and listen attentively to what others have to say.
Debra Benton is a friend of mine. Chapter tow in her excellent book, Executive Charisma, is called “Expect and Give Acceptance to Maintain Esteem.” She says…
“As a human being walking this earth you have a right by birth to expect acceptance from everyone; and you have an obligation to give it to everyone. You can’t expect it for yourself and not give it to others…If you don’t expect acceptance, you won’t get any…Ignore thoughts such as ‘I got here by accident and I’ll be found out.’ ‘I’m dreading the day when someone is going to get me for that.’ ‘I’m close to being found out, so I’ll hide out where I am.’ Expecting acceptance is putting yourself on par with any other member of the human species. Expecting acceptance is stubbornly and justifiably holding a belief of simple self-acceptance. No one is above you or below you. We are all at the same level.”
It’s difficult to expect acceptance when you have little or no confidence. On the other hand, it’s easy to expect acceptance when you are self confident. This can become a positive or negative self fulfilling prophecy. Self confident people expect to be accepted. Therefore they are and their self confidence grows. People are not self confident expect to not be accepted. Therefore, they aren’t and their self confidence is diminished.
The key is to create your own positive self fulfilling prophecy. Debra says…
“Initiate a conscious, deliberate, persistent attitude of expecting acceptance from other humans regardless of whether they earn more money, carry a loftier title, or appear to have more power, experience, status and so on…Everyone knows people who can intimidate, overwhelm, rankle, derail or overly impress…These people don’t have power over you unless you give it to them.”
This means that you have to consciously work on building your self confidence. No one is going to do it for you. Be optimistic. Face your fears and act. Surround yourself with positive people. Find a mentor and absorb his or her wisdom. Mentor others. Do all of these things, and you’ll be more self confident, and able to expect acceptance. You’ll be creating your own positive self fulfilling prophecy.
Here’s a personal story. Several years ago, I was working for a large company. I was in the training and development department and was scheduled to do a talk for sales people in one of our divisions. I wanted to make sure I did a good job. I called the Division President and his VP of Sales to schedule information gathering interviews.
I had great conversations with both of them – and their input helped me develop and conduct a dynamite program that was the highlight of the sales meeting. The Division President even sent a nice note to my boss, complimenting me on the job I did.
My boss came to me with the note and asked “How did you get the guts to call the Division President to do that interview?” My response – “I couldn’t do a great talk if I didn’t know exactly what he wanted and needed.” Reflecting on this many years later, I realize that I expected acceptance. Of course, the Division President would be happy to speak with me. I was someone who could help him run a successful sales meeting. I created my own positive self fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes this takes guts. But I have found that the reward is worth the risk. Fear of rejection is one of the biggest human fears. But if you approach people confidently, openly and honestly, they are very likely to accept, not reject you. To do this, you have to conquer your fear of rejection. You have to do something – like initiate a conversation. You have to demonstrate that you expect to be accepted. When you do this, you’ll find that your fear of rejection is just that…
F False
E Expectations
A Appearing
R Real
The common sense career success coach point here is simple. Successful people are self confident. Self confident people follow the career advice in Tweet 53 in Success Tweets. “Act as if you expect to be accepted and you will be. This will increase your confidence and help you make a strong personal impact.” As Debra Benton says, “Expecting acceptance is putting yourself on par with any other member of the human species. Expecting acceptance is stubbornly and justifiably holding a belief of simple self-acceptance. No one is above you or below you. We are all at the same level.” This is great common sense career advice. Don’t put yourself above or below anyone. Accept others as they are. Expect that others will accept you.
That’s my take on the career advice in Tweet 53 in Success Tweets. What’s yours? Please take a minute or two to leave a comment sharing your thoughts with us. As always, thanks for reading.
Bud
